Your Favorite Emily

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My dad emailed me something today and i thought It summarized things before I moved to Maine:

Dad:
When we bought the PT cruiser in Jan 09, there were 59,000 miles on the odometer.  I'm just curious - how did you manage to put 20,000 miles on the car in 6 months?  That's about 800 miles per week.

SERIOUSLY!!! WTF!!!!!

Uncle Larry told me something that he made me promise to never tell you.  I think you should ask him about it.  Then I think you should say "well, she kept her word all this time, through it all.  she must still respect part of you".   I want my uncle back.  I WANT my god damned family back without all this bullshit.


I also want to apologize for using drugs in your apartment.
i want to apologize for shooting up constantly in both bathrooms and in thte kitchen and in my room area.
I wans to apologize for my addiction taking control over me, making my heroin more importanat than car payments.
I want to apologize for reminding you of mom, and making it hard for you to look at me sometimes.


I also feel like you never loved me growing up.  Im dead serious.  Only on the rarest of occasions have you ever told me you loved me.   I've never been loved by you, have i? Seriously.  Please, tell me...
the truth.
I ONLY want the truth.

Bill Sigler  to me

show details 12:16 PM (12 hours ago)

I want you to know me, too, but i admit that can be difficult because I don't talk a lot, I'm guarded, I don't express my feelings well, and I try to be careful about the words that I use.  If you ask most people I know, they will agree this is accurate.I also agree that you and I need to work on building respect for each other.  But I don't think it's going to help us to spend a lot of energy trying to analyze the past.  Rather, I am trying to look forward and focus on the future.  That doesn't mean I think we should forget about the past.  You know the saying:  "Those who don't learn from past mistakes are bound to repeat them."  But speaking for myself, I strongly believe that it's time to focus my energy on moving on.

Emily Blakley  to Bill

show details Oct 8 (5 days ago)

i reread my email to you and noticed a lot of typos and unfinished sentances etc. 

The reason for my email was really truly just because I want to know you, and I want you to know me.

I realized through the years how incredibly similar we are in certain areas.  Most of those areas happen to be detrimental, sadly, but similar none the less.

It would be nice to have a good relationship with you that IS honest.  I dont mean every gory detail honest but at least you know where I am with things.  I wont hide  big things like what the roomates of GB lied to you about.  I'm going to keep it real with you always.  I always did, I always will.

You used to demand respect from me without ever trying to earn it from me.  I'd like to work on that maybe.  I do respect you, but I want you to want to try to earn some of my respect back.  Tell  me what you're thinking. be real.  be honest.  tell me something from the heart and thats TRUE.

Its like my whole life with my father has been mysticism.  I never know how you're thinking or feeling until its gotten to a point of extremes.  explosions!! Manic and mean explosions! Fuck emily! She's the cause of this! she's the reason for this! I'm the blame!

but we both know I'm not.  So i dont hold any of it against you.

Dad I just want to know you.  really, truly.  I want to know who my dad is.   I think I was starting to learn that  back when we were eating pho and talkin rx8's.  That was the happiest time of my life because i felt like I finally had a dad that loved me.  It meant more than you could ever imagine.  I dont think you're a bad man.  I think you're just a really pained one. 

And i'm the offspring of that curse.  I too am pained by many, many afflictions.



Please tell the family that I'm doing well.  I still don't have a job, but I am eligable for Maine Care so I'll have health insurance very soonly.
Let them know that the views up here are amazing and the Fall is the most breathtaking season up north.  You just cannot compare the way the leaves change in baltimore to the way things change up here in Maine.

Oh, and Maple Syrup is probably the best substance on earth.  I could do shots of that shit if it woudnt kill me from diabetes.

Bill Sigler  to me

show details Oct 8 (5 days ago)

I received and read your email.  no comment for now; just wanted to let you know that I read it.Zac, Grandmom and Grandpa have been asking about you.

all the mail i need will be forwarded, I've made an official change of address and everything.  I've been spending the majority of my time playing ring-around-the-rosie with my sanity and figuring out how to get in on some government system that will help with my diabetes and mental health.

 Ever since I left Baltimore,  I stopped using smack.  Heroin, dad.  You know, that real bad shit.  My addiction went so deep, so fast.  And because I want you to make no mistakes, I'm going to tell you the truth about all of it.  There won't be speculation.  I want you to understand and know who I am, even if you don't necessarily care or love--hell even like.  If you don't read this, Let me know for sure.  It would be cool of you.

I touched heroin for the first time when I was 17.  I had a friend named Elisa who lived in Dundalk.  She was a friend of my French Canadian friend, Greg, that I've remained friends with through all of these years.  (It's amazing how close your internet friends can be!)  Anyway, I went to her house all day, hair all wacky colored just how you hated it.  We went and smoked some killer weed that left me in a haze.  Well, more like a "FUCK IT I can do anything" kinda mindset.  So why not.  Why not try something new that I've never experienced.  Why not go with my friend that I barely really know with her and her boyfriend in to the most dangerous parts of Baltimores East Side to try to score some smack.  And Crack.  And I didn't try that crack that day either.  Hell I didnt even try the coke that was already there.  All I wanted was that 20$ exchange to happen so I could get a hit and get to try the worlds most obsessed over Perfect High.  I've heard and seen people HUNGER for something so fierce.  What a feeling that must have been like!  To see the extremes of pain and agony, sure, it was horrifying to see. ...Then again...How good it looked when they got their fix.  Like they have been living in filth and poverty and hell and shit sprinkled like a cherry on top into pure, unspeakable bliss.

After the loss of Bambi, My home and everything I loved, including my love of you...

(After all of the incidents that happened at Sheppard Pratt and GMBC, My faith in you completely crumbled.  What I saw, finally, as a real man with a real sense of love for his daughter was gone.  There was no trace of that left in my head or in actual real fucking reality.   Your actions proved to be some of the lowest and shameful forms for anyone to treat any human--especially family.)


Misery set in.  I'm now so far from work that ate all my gas in the new used car that I had no love for, when mere weeks prior I had something to actually live for.  (my desire to really succeed didn't just dwindle off, it flat fucking died that trade in day.)  And I had no friends.  NO friends at all .  To the point where I was going in to Divey Bars after work to try and meet any kind of person that wanted to hang out with me.  I found a few pals, who introduced me to their loser pals, who introduced me to more and more.  That boy James, remember?  My boyfriend of the time?  I'm glad you didnt trust him in the home so I couldn't have him around.  He was real, real scum.  And I learned that the hard way, trust me on that one too.  But he was the first person to really want to a crack run with me.  He used me to buy crack for him because he was broke, he was so manipulative and I was so desperate for a friend.  I started buying heroin around this time because its like an outdoor drug pharmacy out there.  You can really get what whatever, really easily. 

Once a month, once a week, once on weekends and once on wed.  Maybe  twice on the weekends and then Wed. 
Skip a day so you wont get hooked.
....this day is just too hard to skip..but feh you can do it.  Xanax will help, too.
fuck that day, today i need it.
oh.
shit.
look at that i'm hooked.

The minute I realized I had a physical addiction I rapidly tried to contact centers for detox.  I learned in there Suboxone cuts all the real symptoms away anyway.  And like any other drug, Suboxone is sold HEAVILY on the street.  All the junkies have 1 8mg pill on them, believe that.  I went to a Dr Hayes 7 day program paid for by my friend Greg ( earlier mentioned) and on the last day of it I went and got myself a really good amount of junk.

And the masochist I declared myself; well I because In love...In deep real love with the needle.

I kept trying to get off of the drug.  The day I tried to get off in inpatient..well I used since that day too.  I would go a few days on and then buy suboxone to do a few days off.

the last day I used was the night before I moved to Maine.  I dont know how it happened to me.  I dont know why I still think about it every day...

But I am doing something about it.  As I mentioned I'm very determined to get on MaineCare and all the other care I can receive.

And I go to Narcotics Anonymous twice, if not 3 times weekly. I'm working my program.  I'm going to come on top.



(On the Subject of Carolyn, I do have a few words to you regarding the Truth of it all.  They lied to you about the painkillers all the time. They lied to you about "sniffing" these drugs.  They lied to  you about not paying rent or utilities and they lied to you about having many "strange men" come to visit me.  They lied dad.  And it affected you.  You can't deny it.  You were, the way I see it, latched on to one of Aunt Lucy's puppet strings when you were struggling so much financially.  She has a good way of being really charitable and then tries to take over your whole being until she has you just as i've said, a silly puppet.
Then you're cast away when a new poverty case comes along.  She's addicted to helping people...but only to such an extend.  Fuck her, seriously hard.  She's a Cunt, a bored housewife looking to brew up some drama.  Its not really her family anyway, so why would she care.  shes backstabbing and brutally wrong.  I see little good in her except that she makes my Uncle Larry happy.  And I know as long as I live I'll never even get to have a relationship with him ever again, just because Lucy will assure this to be true.
Fuck her and her "conditions" for our relationship.  (oh, yeah she actually emailed me "rules" in order to talk to Uncle Larry again. C U N T .  )
Everything that happened in January was handled incorrectly.  Hindsight is 20/2-0---- but we really fucked it all up.


On the Car:

Had I realized that it was all due to me, I never would have bought that Car.  You agreed to something that you knew the consequences were something you could not handle.  You didn't ask for how much I made a year.  You didn't really find out and with something like a co-signing for a really nice vehicle, Dad should have sat down and tried to reason with the girl in rose colored glasses and lust for the Fuel Sucking, Expensive repare, Rare weird Japanase Rotary car that would be fuck expensive to just operate.. let alone make payments on.
In all fairness, I did try to manipulate you in to making sure you said yes.  Whether or not that was the reason why you actually said yes is irrelevant.  You knew the situation at hand and you knew it the minute we sat down for dinner at a breakfast gourmet Egg House.


And thats all for now,  I just needed to let that out to you, whether you read it or now.
Regardless of our differences, You are my Father.  I am your Daughter.  And I will always Love you, Just in case you didn't truly believe that.


 -Emily

PS
Fuck that car, I dont fucking care.  Sorry, I just dont fucking care.

Hello, I'm alive and well.

I'm going, goodbye.  To Maine...
This weekend is my last..
I'll miss you all, sort of.

I'm no longer employed.  Thanks , Telerep.

I was fired and then immediately asked my boss out for a date.  Although I was declined, that still makes me pretty awesome.

Oh, and i have a Battlestar Galactica Tattoo now which also makes me pretty lame.

but fuck you, i'll have the last laugh.

What's the point of standing someone up.  Why can't you just give the common courtesy of calling to say "i'm sorry, something came up" or if you dont want to do it, at least lie or something.  I dont care.  Just give me something so i'm not waiting around like the fucking loser I am for hours trying to figure out what i should do, because unlike you, i actually care about the plans i make.  I wont just go off and do something else because i havent heard from you.  I'll wait and make sure things are alright and still a go.  Or not a go. 

but 6pm is a little late for lunch.  fuck it i'm outta here.

I really am having a hard time here updating.  I keep typing out full fucking paragraphs and then deleting them.  Maybe thats my body telling me Stop Livejournaling and Go Get Some Arizona Brand Mango Juice Or Something 99cents and Awesome.


Before I do that and come back and forget to actually give a real update on how things have been, let me quickly summarize:

I almost died earlier this week because of an infection,  I miss the hell out of a few of my friends and I terribly want to see you (ash ash ash ash ash ash ash ash ash ash ash) I really need to change my life.  I need to stay away from Glen Burnie.  I need to either quit or be fired from my job and I definately need to ____ __ __ ______ ___ ____ _____.  but thats a work in progress. 

Why are the good ones always so far the fuck away?  What the fuck, man. 

REALLY! WHAT  .   THE.     FUCK!!! FUALSGJDALSGJF!!!!!!


I really, really, really, really, REALLY really asldfjalfes really hate my darn luck.

I accidentally clicked on a link that showed his suicide (put together the pieces, people.)  and it was so..gruesome.

That was the first Real suicide I've ever watched.  (and i'm not counting like terrorist explodey videos, they dont count, those people are NOT people to me.  fuck you if you disagree.)  It changed something in me.   I'm not sure how i'm feeling right now.




I'd have done the same.

If he wasn't my brother, I'd have fucking killed him tonight.  Theres booze all over the place and everything is sticky, and I scared the holy shit out of him with my tongue.   When I see red, its god damned brutal.

Although, I do take pleasure in the fact that I can still make a grown man cower with my special brand of rage.  I'm not bad ass or tough as nails or nothin', but i'm definately not one to be pushed to THAT point.  It even scares me when those feelings get too ripe.

For anyone that does not know,  I will be incredibly saddened, disappointed and pissed the FUCK off if when I die, I'm not reanimated as a zombie.

My heatset is actually squishing my glasses in to my behind-the-ear.  damnit.  I'm contemplating whether to watch Star Trek or Angels and Demons.  I'll end up watching The Big Lebowski, you just wait and see.

Its bothersome knowing that i'm being monitored right now by a random supervisor and i have no idea who.  So get off my computer, asshole, go away.  ...now.  go away.

Whatever.  If they want to read my random journaling, they're more than welcome.  I'm totally not all about private entries anyway, and maybe it would be better if some people here knew me a bit better anyway.  I've been defaulted as the weird one in That Corner that you just stay away from.  Works out nicely actually...keeps things peaceful, even if lonely occasionally.
mostly fucking peaceful.  /grin 

I've said it before that I like programs and machinery and metal more than people.  I definately dont like the Hold Music that i'm grooving too currently.  Its pretty much the most annoying loop of shit ever, but its better than the bitching.

Don't you love how i bitch endlessly about other people bitching?  THE CYCLE NEVER STOPS!!!! AAAAAAAH!

doo dooo dooo doooooooo do dooo doooooooo *hums along* see, when someone eventually picks up, i'll just toss them over the angry bratty customer that i have on hold.  I'm on hold with someone on hold who will eventually be put on hold again! MORE ENDLESS CYCLES!!! AHHHHHHHH!

I'm thinking of selling my car for a bike, even if it means no A to B in shitty weather.  but fuckit, goodbye car payments!  This also brings up the question of getting some american hunk of metal, get a leather get up and all that shit or get myself some crotch rocket.  if you know me, this is actually going to be a tough decision.  I like loud and fast... so that can go either way.  But picking a bike ..and driving out here...really could limit even where i go after hours ><  People are so fucking gung ho about bikes to the point where i seriously think i'd get murdered at my after hours watering hole if i showed up in a fucking honda.  but ...i want...

You know i'm ending up in something from Korea.

I want to firebomb someone through the telephones about 10120493810238 times a day.  Just sayin.

apparently sleep deprivation makes me in either One of Two fun moods. 

depressed and emo as shit or completely off my rocker nutso happy weird.


i'm completely in the crazed second option there.  Fantastic.  This may be the first time in forever i'll sleep without the aide of ambien.  And although I know my love affair with the stuff will be at a sad brief pause with many a tears, i'm sure we'll both recover.  It's okay, sweet prescription,  we'll most likely meet again.

Definately need to remember to go to the post office tomorrow.  hey, emily, remember to go to the fucking post office tomorrow.

I always dance with my snooze button for way too long.  I'll set my alarm a good, healthy, few hours before I need to be out the door and off to the shithole that is Glen Burnie for work and all.  But no, I snooze button it up until the last possible damn minute almost daily.  And eventually, the snooze button option on my phone goes POOF! Gone!  And in my sleepy, bitter state of being, i'll actually set my alarm for the latest possible minute until its like OH SHIT I NEED TO BE LEAVIN NOW... ... ....really not so cool.

happynotes:  Filled out FAFSA, going to CCBC to enroll on Monday I believe.  So I guess that means i'm actually staying in baltimore.  At least for semester to see how that works out.  Everyone cross your fingers for me,  I need to not be a loser anymore.

From lonely housewife of loserdom to workaholic of boredom and loserdom... I'll eventually be exactly where I want to be, you bet your fucking ass.


(and i'll have another 8, assholes.)

I just spent 10 minutes adding and deleting a lot of lines so im taking that as my queue to get the hell in to the bed.  /wave