Your Favorite Emily

superlakitu@gmail.com — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 02:49:24 GMT

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Response: I just love Driving, Daddy.

superlakitu@gmail.com — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 00:44:48 GMT

My dad emailed me something today and i thought It summarized things before I moved to Maine:

Dad:
When we bought the PT cruiser in Jan 09, there were 59,000 miles on the odometer. I'm just curious - how did you manage to put 20,000 miles on the car in 6 months? That's about 800 miles per week.

WHAT THE FUCK

superlakitu@gmail.com — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 11:17:26 GMT

SERIOUSLY!!! WTF!!!!!

This wont end well.

superlakitu@gmail.com — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 04:37:23 GMT

Uncle Larry told me something that he made me promise to never tell you. I think you should ask him about it. Then I think you should say "well, she kept her word all this time, through it all. she must still respect part of you". I want my uncle back. I WANT my god damned family back without all this bullshit.

I also want to apologize for using drugs in your apartment.
i want to apologize for shooting up constantly in both bathrooms and in thte kitchen and in my room area.
I wans to apologize for my addiction taking control over me, making my heroin more importanat than car payments.
I want to apologize for reminding you of mom, and making it hard for you to look at me sometimes.

I also feel like you never loved me growing up. Im dead serious. Only on the rarest of occasions have you ever told me you loved me. I've never been loved by you, have i? Seriously. Please, tell me...
the truth.
I ONLY want the truth.

it continues.... a real response from my father

superlakitu@gmail.com — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 04:35:34 GMT

Bill Sigler

to me

show details 12:16 PM (12 hours ago)

I want you to know me, too, but i admit that can be difficult because I don't talk a lot, I'm guarded, I don't express my feelings well, and I try to be careful about the words that I use. If you ask most people I know, they will agree this is accurate.

I agree that we are similar in a lot of respects. I think that the important thing in most relationships is for people to recognize each other's strength's and weaknesses, and learn how to deal constructively with those things.

I also agree that you and I need to work on building respect for each other. But I don't think it's going to help us to spend a lot of energy trying to analyze the past. Rather, I am trying to look forward and focus on the future. That doesn't mean I think we should forget about the past. You know the saying: "Those who don't learn from past mistakes are bound to repeat them." But speaking for myself, I strongly believe that it's time to focus my energy on moving on.

In general, I believe that everyones' own behavior is the most important determinant in what they experience out of life. Of course, we need to take things like the cards we are dealt into account. That being said, I think that both you and I need to take more responsibility for our own actions and consider our selves before we start blaming others.

I am not happy being in Baltimore all of the time, although I like the apartment and neighborhood. I mean, I like having a home here, but I wish that I were back driving a truck between cities, instead of sitting in an office doing something I don't like and that I'm not particularly good at. However, there were several reasons why driving and being away from home for long stretches was not working back in 2006. Going back to driving is still a possibility, but it may have to be more local instead of long distance driving.

and here i am

superlakitu@gmail.com — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 04:34:57 GMT

Emily Blakley

to Bill

show details Oct 8 (5 days ago)

i reread my email to you and noticed a lot of typos and unfinished sentances etc.

The reason for my email was really truly just because I want to know you, and I want you to know me.

I realized through the years how incredibly similar we are in certain areas. Most of those areas happen to be detrimental, sadly, but similar none the less.

It would be nice to have a good relationship with you that IS honest. I dont mean every gory detail honest but at least you know where I am with things. I wont hide big things like what the roomates of GB lied to you about. I'm going to keep it real with you always. I always did, I always will.

You used to demand respect from me without ever trying to earn it from me. I'd like to work on that maybe. I do respect you, but I want you to want to try to earn some of my respect back. Tell me what you're thinking. be real. be honest. tell me something from the heart and thats TRUE.

Its like my whole life with my father has been mysticism. I never know how you're thinking or feeling until its gotten to a point of extremes. explosions!! Manic and mean explosions! Fuck emily! She's the cause of this! she's the reason for this! I'm the blame!

but we both know I'm not. So i dont hold any of it against you.

Dad I just want to know you. really, truly. I want to know who my dad is. I think I was starting to learn that back when we were eating pho and talkin rx8's. That was the happiest time of my life because i felt like I finally had a dad that loved me. It meant more than you could ever imagine. I dont think you're a bad man. I think you're just a really pained one.

And i'm the offspring of that curse. I too am pained by many, many afflictions.

Please tell the family that I'm doing well. I still don't have a job, but I am eligable for Maine Care so I'll have health insurance very soonly.
Let them know that the views up here are amazing and the Fall is the most breathtaking season up north. You just cannot compare the way the leaves change in baltimore to the way things change up here in Maine.

Oh, and Maple Syrup is probably the best substance on earth. I could do shots of that shit if it woudnt kill me from diabetes.

the first response

superlakitu@gmail.com — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 04:32:46 GMT

Bill Sigler

to me

show details Oct 8 (5 days ago)

I received and read your email. no comment for now; just wanted to let you know that I read it.

Zac, Grandmom and Grandpa have been asking about you.

Daddys gonna be so proud.

superlakitu@gmail.com — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 00:31:31 GMT

On Wed, Oct 7, 2009 at 2:49 PM, Bill Sigler <blahblah@blah.com> wrote:

Is there any type of mail that you want me to forward to you?

FYI: I haven't sold the PT yet. I am making a payment this Friday so that Wells Fargo won't repo. In addition, they are demanding 2 more payments this month.

all the mail i need will be forwarded, I've made an official change of address and everything. I've been spending the majority of my time playing ring-around-the-rosie with my sanity and figuring out how to get in on some government system that will help with my diabetes and mental health.

Ever since I left Baltimore, I stopped using smack. Heroin, dad. You know, that real bad shit. My addiction went so deep, so fast. And because I want you to make no mistakes, I'm going to tell you the truth about all of it. There won't be speculation. I want you to understand and know who I am, even if you don't necessarily care or love--hell even like. If you don't read this, Let me know for sure. It would be cool of you.

I touched heroin for the first time when I was 17. I had a friend named Elisa who lived in Dundalk. She was a friend of my French Canadian friend, Greg, that I've remained friends with through all of these years. (It's amazing how close your internet friends can be!) Anyway, I went to her house all day, hair all wacky colored just how you hated it. We went and smoked some killer weed that left me in a haze. Well, more like a "FUCK IT I can do anything" kinda mindset. So why not. Why not try something new that I've never experienced. Why not go with my friend that I barely really know with her and her boyfriend in to the most dangerous parts of Baltimores East Side to try to score some smack. And Crack. And I didn't try that crack that day either. Hell I didnt even try the coke that was already there. All I wanted was that 20$ exchange to happen so I could get a hit and get to try the worlds most obsessed over Perfect High. I've heard and seen people HUNGER for something so fierce. What a feeling that must have been like! To see the extremes of pain and agony, sure, it was horrifying to see. ...Then again...How good it looked when they got their fix. Like they have been living in filth and poverty and hell and shit sprinkled like a cherry on top into pure, unspeakable bliss.

After the loss of Bambi, My home and everything I loved, including my love of you...

(After all of the incidents that happened at Sheppard Pratt and GMBC, My faith in you completely crumbled. What I saw, finally, as a real man with a real sense of love for his daughter was gone. There was no trace of that left in my head or in actual real fucking reality. Your actions proved to be some of the lowest and shameful forms for anyone to treat any human--especially family.)

Misery set in. I'm now so far from work that ate all my gas in the new used car that I had no love for, when mere weeks prior I had something to actually live for. (my desire to really succeed didn't just dwindle off, it flat fucking died that trade in day.) And I had no friends. NO friends at all . To the point where I was going in to Divey Bars after work to try and meet any kind of person that wanted to hang out with me. I found a few pals, who introduced me to their loser pals, who introduced me to more and more. That boy James, remember? My boyfriend of the time? I'm glad you didnt trust him in the home so I couldn't have him around. He was real, real scum. And I learned that the hard way, trust me on that one too. But he was the first person to really want to a crack run with me. He used me to buy crack for him because he was broke, he was so manipulative and I was so desperate for a friend. I started buying heroin around this time because its like an outdoor drug pharmacy out there. You can really get what whatever, really easily.

Once a month, once a week, once on weekends and once on wed. Maybe twice on the weekends and then Wed.
Skip a day so you wont get hooked.
....this day is just too hard to skip..but feh you can do it. Xanax will help, too.
fuck that day, today i need it.
oh.
shit.
look at that i'm hooked.

The minute I realized I had a physical addiction I rapidly tried to contact centers for detox. I learned in there Suboxone cuts all the real symptoms away anyway. And like any other drug, Suboxone is sold HEAVILY on the street. All the junkies have 1 8mg pill on them, believe that. I went to a Dr Hayes 7 day program paid for by my friend Greg ( earlier mentioned) and on the last day of it I went and got myself a really good amount of junk.

And the masochist I declared myself; well I because In love...In deep real love with the needle.

I kept trying to get off of the drug. The day I tried to get off in inpatient..well I used since that day too. I would go a few days on and then buy suboxone to do a few days off.

the last day I used was the night before I moved to Maine. I dont know how it happened to me. I dont know why I still think about it every day...

But I am doing something about it. As I mentioned I'm very determined to get on MaineCare and all the other care I can receive.

And I go to Narcotics Anonymous twice, if not 3 times weekly. I'm working my program. I'm going to come on top.

(On the Subject of Carolyn, I do have a few words to you regarding the Truth of it all. They lied to you about the painkillers all the time. They lied to you about "sniffing" these drugs. They lied to you about not paying rent or utilities and they lied to you about having many "strange men" come to visit me. They lied dad. And it affected you. You can't deny it. You were, the way I see it, latched on to one of Aunt Lucy's puppet strings when you were struggling so much financially. She has a good way of being really charitable and then tries to take over your whole being until she has you just as i've said, a silly puppet.
Then you're cast away when a new poverty case comes along. She's addicted to helping people...but only to such an extend. Fuck her, seriously hard. She's a Cunt, a bored housewife looking to brew up some drama. Its not really her family anyway, so why would she care. shes backstabbing and brutally wrong. I see little good in her except that she makes my Uncle Larry happy. And I know as long as I live I'll never even get to have a relationship with him ever again, just because Lucy will assure this to be true.
Fuck her and her "conditions" for our relationship. (oh, yeah she actually emailed me "rules" in order to talk to Uncle Larry again. C U N T . )
Everything that happened in January was handled incorrectly. Hindsight is 20/2-0---- but we really fucked it all up.

On the Car:

Had I realized that it was all due to me, I never would have bought that Car. You agreed to something that you knew the consequences were something you could not handle. You didn't ask for how much I made a year. You didn't really find out and with something like a co-signing for a really nice vehicle, Dad should have sat down and tried to reason with the girl in rose colored glasses and lust for the Fuel Sucking, Expensive repare, Rare weird Japanase Rotary car that would be fuck expensive to just operate.. let alone make payments on.
In all fairness, I did try to manipulate you in to making sure you said yes. Whether or not that was the reason why you actually said yes is irrelevant. You knew the situation at hand and you knew it the minute we sat down for dinner at a breakfast gourmet Egg House.

And thats all for now, I just needed to let that out to you, whether you read it or now.
Regardless of our differences, You are my Father. I am your Daughter. And I will always Love you, Just in case you didn't truly believe that.

-Emily

PS
Fuck that car, I dont fucking care. Sorry, I just dont fucking care.

Here, there, blue skies...

superlakitu@gmail.com — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 06:14:05 GMT

Hello, I'm alive and well.

Baltimore Grand Finale

superlakitu@gmail.com — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 00:30:52 GMT

I'm going, goodbye. To Maine...
This weekend is my last..
I'll miss you all, sort of.

such is life

superlakitu@gmail.com — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 06:52:53 GMT

I'm no longer employed. Thanks , Telerep.

I was fired and then immediately asked my boss out for a date. Although I was declined, that still makes me pretty awesome.

Oh, and i have a Battlestar Galactica Tattoo now which also makes me pretty lame.

but fuck you, i'll have the last laugh.

Best Forgotten

superlakitu@gmail.com — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 22:03:55 GMT

What's the point of standing someone up. Why can't you just give the common courtesy of calling to say "i'm sorry, something came up" or if you dont want to do it, at least lie or something. I dont care. Just give me something so i'm not waiting around like the fucking loser I am for hours trying to figure out what i should do, because unlike you, i actually care about the plans i make. I wont just go off and do something else because i havent heard from you. I'll wait and make sure things are alright and still a go. Or not a go.

but 6pm is a little late for lunch. fuck it i'm outta here.

FUCT. heartache and fuel.

superlakitu@gmail.com — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 09:16:37 GMT

I really am having a hard time here updating. I keep typing out full fucking paragraphs and then deleting them. Maybe thats my body telling me Stop Livejournaling and Go Get Some Arizona Brand Mango Juice Or Something 99cents and Awesome.

Before I do that and come back and forget to actually give a real update on how things have been, let me quickly summarize:

I almost died earlier this week because of an infection, I miss the hell out of a few of my friends and I terribly want to see you (ash ash ash ash ash ash ash ash ash ash ash) I really need to change my life. I need to stay away from Glen Burnie. I need to either quit or be fired from my job and I definately need to ____ __ __ ______ ___ ____ _____. but thats a work in progress.

oh i so silly.

superlakitu@gmail.com — Wed, 27 May 2009 02:43:11 GMT

Why are the good ones always so far the fuck away? What the fuck, man.

REALLY! WHAT . THE. FUCK!!! FUALSGJDALSGJF!!!!!!

I really, really, really, really, REALLY really asldfjalfes really hate my darn luck.

Hey, Man! Nice shot!

superlakitu@gmail.com — Fri, 22 May 2009 01:38:33 GMT

I accidentally clicked on a link that showed his suicide (put together the pieces, people.) and it was so..gruesome.

That was the first Real suicide I've ever watched. (and i'm not counting like terrorist explodey videos, they dont count, those people are NOT people to me. fuck you if you disagree.) It changed something in me. I'm not sure how i'm feeling right now.

I'd have done the same.

Fisticuffs

superlakitu@gmail.com — Thu, 21 May 2009 09:59:21 GMT

If he wasn't my brother, I'd have fucking killed him tonight. Theres booze all over the place and everything is sticky, and I scared the holy shit out of him with my tongue. When I see red, its god damned brutal.

Although, I do take pleasure in the fact that I can still make a grown man cower with my special brand of rage. I'm not bad ass or tough as nails or nothin', but i'm definately not one to be pushed to THAT point. It even scares me when those feelings get too ripe.

Zombies.

superlakitu@gmail.com — Thu, 21 May 2009 02:57:51 GMT

For anyone that does not know, I will be incredibly saddened, disappointed and pissed the FUCK off if when I die, I'm not reanimated as a zombie.

Day & Night

superlakitu@gmail.com — Wed, 20 May 2009 00:56:09 GMT

My heatset is actually squishing my glasses in to my behind-the-ear. damnit. I'm contemplating whether to watch Star Trek or Angels and Demons. I'll end up watching The Big Lebowski, you just wait and see.

Its bothersome knowing that i'm being monitored right now by a random supervisor and i have no idea who. So get off my computer, asshole, go away. ...now. go away.

Whatever. If they want to read my random journaling, they're more than welcome. I'm totally not all about private entries anyway, and maybe it would be better if some people here knew me a bit better anyway. I've been defaulted as the weird one in That Corner that you just stay away from. Works out nicely actually...keeps things peaceful, even if lonely occasionally.
mostly fucking peaceful. /grin

I've said it before that I like programs and machinery and metal more than people.  I definately dont like the Hold Music that i'm grooving too currently. Its pretty much the most annoying loop of shit ever, but its better than the bitching.

Don't you love how i bitch endlessly about other people bitching?  THE CYCLE NEVER STOPS!!!! AAAAAAAH!

doo dooo dooo doooooooo do dooo doooooooo *hums along* see, when someone eventually picks up, i'll just toss them over the angry bratty customer that i have on hold. I'm on hold with someone on hold who will eventually be put on hold again! MORE ENDLESS CYCLES!!! AHHHHHHHH!

I'm thinking of selling my car for a bike, even if it means no A to B in shitty weather. but fuckit, goodbye car payments! This also brings up the question of getting some american hunk of metal, get a leather get up and all that shit or get myself some crotch rocket. if you know me, this is actually going to be a tough decision. I like loud and fast... so that can go either way. But picking a bike ..and driving out here...really could limit even where i go after hours ><  People are so fucking gung ho about bikes to the point where i seriously think i'd get murdered at my after hours watering hole if i showed up in a fucking honda. but ...i want...

You know i'm ending up in something from Korea.

Customer Service at it's finest

superlakitu@gmail.com — Tue, 19 May 2009 23:54:05 GMT

I want to firebomb someone through the telephones about 10120493810238 times a day. Just sayin.

My version of Crunk

superlakitu@gmail.com — Tue, 19 May 2009 07:52:14 GMT

apparently sleep deprivation makes me in either One of Two fun moods.

depressed and emo as shit or completely off my rocker nutso happy weird.

i'm completely in the crazed second option there. Fantastic. This may be the first time in forever i'll sleep without the aide of ambien. And although I know my love affair with the stuff will be at a sad brief pause with many a tears, i'm sure we'll both recover. It's okay, sweet prescription, we'll most likely meet again.

Definately need to remember to go to the post office tomorrow. hey, emily, remember to go to the fucking post office tomorrow.

I always dance with my snooze button for way too long. I'll set my alarm a good, healthy, few hours before I need to be out the door and off to the shithole that is Glen Burnie for work and all. But no, I snooze button it up until the last possible damn minute almost daily. And eventually, the snooze button option on my phone goes POOF! Gone! And in my sleepy, bitter state of being, i'll actually set my alarm for the latest possible minute until its like OH SHIT I NEED TO BE LEAVIN NOW... ... ....really not so cool.

happynotes: Filled out FAFSA, going to CCBC to enroll on Monday I believe. So I guess that means i'm actually staying in baltimore. At least for semester to see how that works out. Everyone cross your fingers for me, I need to not be a loser anymore.

From lonely housewife of loserdom to workaholic of boredom and loserdom... I'll eventually be exactly where I want to be, you bet your fucking ass.

(and i'll have another 8, assholes.)

I just spent 10 minutes adding and deleting a lot of lines so im taking that as my queue to get the hell in to the bed. /wave

So this is how it feels to be free

superlakitu@gmail.com — Tue, 19 May 2009 00:21:05 GMT

Went on a random quick fix meet up with someone from the interwebz today and was totally and completely ran away from at the end of our meeting. I think he was trying to scare me the whole time with random movies he's seen like Audition and whatnot but then finding out that I've already seen it and that i'm pretty much impossible to threaten was too much for him. haha, i out-freak you. Well, I can't tell if he's just shy or completely not in to me. Either way, your move, player.

Ended up staying out a lot later than I anticipated though talking to a random stranger about all sorts of strange things. Good times. I definitely needed this kinda monday. I spend way too much time by myself so i'm happy I even got up the courage to go out and speak.

Sometimes I forget I have any sort of voice at all besides my scripted one at work.

I was compared to Ando. Im not sure how that makes me feel. Mostly angry. (gosh really)

Day Off

superlakitu@gmail.com — Mon, 18 May 2009 18:11:29 GMT

Monday, My Day Off.

Set my alarm clock for a healthy 10am.

just crawled out of the sack at 2. SO FAIL

Got to thinking about this a bit more...

superlakitu@gmail.com — Mon, 18 May 2009 01:40:02 GMT

So what DOES make me happy anymore. My last post was just a quick rant and all and i really thought i could just leave it at that. But seriously, what the hell gets me going. When you're in that whole transitional point of GETTING to the going or... building yourself up to something without a good clear picture of a pretty finish line or even a vague idea of where the shit that line is, it truly makes things difficult.

And lets not picture this "finish line" as Death, thats way too boring for me.

I just need some sort of idea of what the hell to do anymore.

Anyway! Brighter note, or..something note!

Last night I went out with Jeff for a drink, left prompty to go on a ______________ and came back for more drinks. When i re-arrived at the shitty hole in the wall bar from shit hell, Jeff was playing pool. And kicking ass. (so hot.) And i'm standing there all Cool Girl With the Really Cool Pool Player, (feeling hot.) sipping on some girly smirnoff berry piece (blow me) and i'm starting to feel like a real traitor. the opponant to my "date" was damn freaking hot. (so motha-fuckin-hot) . And he's apparently a regular.

what is UP baby.
"Hi, i'm Tim" and he shook my hand with this real smooth talkn', i'm-sucha-playa-baby handshake that totally worked. why the hell am i so easy when the game is so obvious. I'm going back there tonight after work for a quick wash down of something cheap and hopefully see him again. I think what intrigued me was how when i FIRST arrived, he was sitting alone, hangin' alone. Kinda you know, the solitary weirdo. Hell I even went outside and he was smoking alone. He had people talkin to him, but he was still alone. (HELLO FAMILLIAR!) But he obviously has a lot of associates, He was unbuttoned in a white dress shirt and slacks and kept nursing a clear hard drink and slick cell phone periodically. His pal was a greasier fellow but similar attire so i'm gonna just piece together they work together. unless they're in a relationship, in which case DAMNIT but whatever. Wish me uh..luck?

I have no idea how the hell to talk to new people. Especially the pretty ones. Damn the pretty ones.

Little things to make the time go by, my friends. I'm just filling in the blanks with anything to get me to sleep easier at night so i can wake up and rinse/repeat. And i'm definately not a knit and laundry type of gal, I dont get along with the basics. I'm only good and dear and in the in's with the ridiculous.

I'm at work right now, listening to Always Strapped, how the hell did that come on my youtube. /shrug
(guilty, yeah.) I really need a new job. Its sweet and all that I sat here and watched The Duchess and cried like a bitch all the while getting paid but, this place seriously has some bad damn vibes. Especially right around the corner. Not so much on the weekends. But a big piece of my heart thats dangling by a thread sits over there most of the time, i'd like to cut the cord. They dont pay enough anyway and Glen Burnie is seriously too far from my current residence. And if I pick up and go to Maine its definately going to be too far. lolz.

I'll go in to my love affair (that exists mostly in my head) with a superior another time.
I'm always in love with love. But really, fuck love. I'm pretty much under the complete impression that it's all a waste of time anyway. and knowing that, it should be all easier to love my state of being. (didn't i just rant about that?) Even with all this bitter taste i'm leaving here, I really shouldn't completely lead you wrong, dearest reader. I'm completely a bleeding heart. I'll always follow this ticker even if it leads to me to baltimore with 15$ and one severely bruised ego.

I'll bounce back, even without my 8.

(always strapped...)

black is how i feel

superlakitu@gmail.com — Mon, 18 May 2009 00:44:02 GMT

Glen Burnie on the weekends makes me really, really, REALLY fucking miss my rx8.

You have no god damned idea. It's just how everything gets LOUD with energy, and i'm not talking the usual oh yay tgif bullshit and such. But the endless races starting up at the corner, the meets around every block, everything that used to make me happy and excited man...
damnit, man. damnit.

And why the hell or..rather...HOW the hell are so many bands singing about lonliness these days. How can you be lonely when you're so fucking popular. fuck you.

Should I stay or should I go..

superlakitu@gmail.com — Sun, 17 May 2009 02:45:28 GMT

I'm pretty much in a good, solid state of confusion.
A good..really fucked up mess of what the fuckity fuck fuck am I doing with things. I'm getting that itch again...my traveling itch.
Time to move on from this fair city of the Baltimore and onward to...uhm...Maine? Maybe.   That would be a really nice and comfortable way to go. I have amazing friends up there who would gladly take me in until I figure out another way to get on my feet. But to those who don't know me, and in my efforts to branch out to the world, let me introduce myself a bit better.

My name is Emily Rachael SB. I'm 24 and when I say I never quite fit, it's not just some angsty proclamation of solitude.   I'm truly one of those that walks a lonely walk. And I hate it. It's definately not anything I've ever wanted.   I never wanted or embraced my quirks or oddities,..never wanted my social awkwardness. Being this brand of unique doesn't make for any sort of pleasing advertisements. I've never in my life been one to just jump in and clique up, even when i really really *really* have wanted to.    I've learned to live with this. I think.

Anyway lemme tell you a story about something that completely doesn't matter, isn't relevant anymore blah blah
I was one hell of a gamer. Not just your average kinda gamer, but i kicked some mighty ass in Counter Strike. And this love for such a simple, stupid game became a huge damned obsession. I was completely enamoured with it and it wasn't because the game itself was oh so mind blowing, but because i just seriously was amazing at it. Anyone i played i'd freaking whoop. I was ranked and all that shit, traveled some places in the country to play it, and it actually landed me with a really amazing guy we'll call J2. One of the things about being a complete nerdy gamer girl in baltimore with a really bad habit of being a , well, habitual loser anyway with no life is that it amplifies the whole Staying Inside and Never Coming Out For Anything Except Work.   I lost all of my hometown friends and was pretty completely consumed with thinking about gaming gaming gaming.

All in all, Counter Strike was the first thing I was ever really good at. It also completely erased all of the teenage heartaches i'd suffered, all that other crap, the shitty home life, the abuse of whatever, anything and everything. It was my Mr. Clean for tough stains of Life. Pretty neat shit. Didn't have to jab anything in my arm or anything to get that kind of fix. (and at this point, I wish there was some sort of alternative. but we'll get in to that later.)

I wonder what would have happened to me if I never played. I'd never have been to Missouri...or Back to Missouri. I'd have never met my (still) friend F or J2.  And these characters...well they're both equally amazing for completely different reasons. The whole point of this whole ramble is to introduce my completely non official Life Coach named F. Actually , I completely made that up. The whole point of this is completely lost. I'm just writing this to write something, to kick start this journal FINALLY. Might as well start when things started getting interesting. And things got interesting right when things got absolutely, completely, 100% really fucking nerdy, geeky, dull and boring.

I took off with nothing one day to meet my internet boyfriend, J2. And me and J2 had our love, we lost our love, we had some damn good closure, no hard feelings. Good times, good fucking, good everything. Bad breakup but really, thats pretty unimportant. didn't matter a damn. When things aren't meant to happen they really just fucking aren't. Learn to accept it and make the most out of what you had.

Thats a pretty easy and comfortable revelation to come to after a few years of completely fucked up trials and heartaches that kinda cover up the initial shit, but it really does ring true. Its just not something you can always easily take comfort in right when the flesh is still bleeding and raw and shit.

Right now, i'm not anywhere near that state of being. I should be thankful, you think?
I'm fucking numb. I'm fucking lonely. And i need out of this fucking town.